Have you ever looked into the mirror and felt like you were looking at a stranger? I sure have recently. Since the fire, I have had a pinched nerve on and off. I went to speak on Mother’s Day weekend, and by the time I got back, I could hardly walk without pain. I had a new doctor and my first appointment was the end of May. She sent me for multiple exams, MRIs, etc. Short and sweet: the night of the fire, L1 was compressed to 50%. I also had degenerative arthritis, bulging discs, and osteoporosis. OK, so where to from here? She sent me to a pain management team. The first doctor was to assess and see if it could be managed just with medication. He gave me medication to help manage the nerve pain, set me up for a nerve conduction test and a consult with another doctor for spinal injections.
I went to get the nerve conduction test only to find out the sensory part of the sciatic nerve on the left side is damaged. If you’re like me, the next question was “How do we fix the problem?” It was further explained that the nerve is comprised of two channels, sensory and pain. The sensory part senses temperature, pressure, etc.; all I had left was the pain. He politely told me nothing can be done except manage the pain with meds and injections. If I stand on my feet for work or sit too long (desk job or traveling), I will be in pain again.
Those of you who have kept up with my blogs and/or read my book already know that, before this, I had become disabled due to some medical issues and had to learn to like myself for what I could still do. What I could still do has once again changed.
So yes…I miss me.
I miss playing the piano and walking as far as I wanted/needed to. I miss being independent and not having to ask for help. I miss being able to take care of my home without extreme pain. I truly miss working. I miss being active like I have been my whole life. I miss me.
The day I was told this, I realized there was a part of me I missed even more. Somehow, a distance had come between me and God. I used to have such a close relationship with God that nothing could shake my world up. This was a part of me I not only missed but had to get back. Fortunately, unlike the sciatic nerve issue, this is something I can change. I confided in my new neighbor (earth angel) and Bob Stacy. Not only did God send messages through these people to me, but they also prayed with and for me.
As I called a dear friend today and told her about the results, she shared what she had heard on Joni’s radio show the other day. Joni said that she fought with God for a while after being paralyzed from the neck down. She has been in a wheelchair for 50 years now. I love what was shared with me. Joni stated that if she had totally given up and completely turned away from God ~ then she would’ve lost it all.
This darkness is not shared only by a few, but by many. We all go through times that we don’t “feel” God’s closeness. Oddly enough, that’s when the true tests come. It’s easy to keep the faith when we feel Him walking by our side, but when we don’t feel Him there, it’s way too easy to drift away.
At this moment, please take the time to look into the mirror. Is your spiritual life what it was? Where you want it to be? Do you miss you? Remember, our relationship with God is like being married. You don’t always “feel” in love, but you know you love that person. Just because you don’t always “feel” close to God doesn’t mean He’s not right by your side. He’s always there…waiting for your hand to reach out.
This is DeVaughn ~ bringing it home.
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