Category Archives: Feeling Alone
Have you ever looked into the mirror and felt like you were looking at a stranger? I sure have recently. Since the fire I have had a pinched nerve on and off. I went to speak on Mother’s Day weekend and by the time I got back I could hardly walk without pain. I had a new doctor and my first appointment was the end of May. She sent me for multiple exams, MRIs etc. Short and sweet the night of the fire L1 was compressed to 50%, degenerative arthritis, bulging discs and osteoporosis. OK, so where to from here? She sent me to a pain management team. The first doctor was to assess and see if it could be managed just with medication. He gave me medication to help manage the nerve pain, set me up for a nerve conduction test and a consult with another doctor for spinal injections.
I went to get the nerve conduction test only to find out the sensory part of the sciatic nerve on the left side is damaged. If you’re like me the following question was “How do we fix the problem?” It was further explained that the nerve is comprised of two channels, sensory and pain. The sensory part senses temperature, pressure etc. : all I had left was the pain. He politely told me nothing can be done except manage the pain with meds and injections. If I stand on my feet for work or sit too long (desk job or traveling) I will be in pain again.
Those of you who have kept up with my blogs and/or read my book already know before this I had already become disabled due to some medical issues and had to learn to like myself for what I could still do. What I could still do has once again changed. So yes…I miss me.
I miss playing the piano and walking as far as I wanted/needed to. I miss being independent and not having to ask for help. I miss being able to take care of my home without extreme pain. I truly miss working. I miss being active like I have been my whole life. I miss me.
I realized the day I was told this there was a part of me I missed even more. Somehow, a distance had come between me and God. I used to have such a close relationship nothing could shake my world up. This part of me not only did I miss ~ but had to get back. Fortunately, unlike the sciatic nerve issue, this is something I can change. I confided in my new neighbor (earth angel) and Bob Stacy. Not only did God send messages through these people to me but they also prayed with and for me.
As I called a dear friend today and told her about the results she shared Joni’s radio show she heard the other day. Joni said that she fought with God for a while after being paralyzed from the neck down. She has been in a wheelchair for 50 years now. I love what was shared with me. Joni stated that if she had totally given up and completely turned away from God ~ then she would’ve lost it all.
This darkness is not shared only by a few but many. We all go through times that we don’t “feel” God’s closeness. Oddly enough that’s when the true tests come. It’s easy to keep the faith when we feel Him walking by our side; but, when we don’t feel Him there it’s way too easy to drift away.
At this moment, please take the time to look into the mirror. Is your spiritual life what is was? Where you want it to be? Do you miss you? Remember, our relationship with God is like being married. You don’t always “feel” in love but you know you love that person. Just because you don’t always “feel” close to God doesn’t mean he’s not right by your side. He’s always there…waiting for your hand to reach out.
This is DeVaughn ~ bringing it home.
All throughout life we learn lessons. Some are taught from books but most of them seem to be from mistakes made; which in some cases makes the mistake worthwhile, as long as one did learn the lesson. Then there are those of us who seemed to not grasp it and made the same mistake over and over again (at least a few more times). One mistake I made within the last few months was not continuing to write.
In May I had received bad news regarding my Pomeranian mix, Bella. She was diagnosed with an extreme case of IVDD (spinal disease). The most we could do for a while was treat her with meds to keep her comfortable. Before we go any further ~ let me describe Bella for you. Physically she had the coloring and shape of a miniature German Shepherd. She didn’t have the usual Pomeranian tail. In reality, she barely had one at all, just a cute, little stub. Possibly due to this is why when she was happy she would wag the whole bottom half of her body while tap dancing on the floor. She was always “smiling”, friendly to other humans and dogs, and stole the heart of everyone who met her. Aside from that, she was my best friend. She kissed the tears from my eyes, cuddled next to me and felt the need to be my protector. As the head of the pack, she took care of everyone. Now you can imagine my Bella girl. On with the story…
For a couple months Bella seemed to be doing fine and needing only minimal medication. Here’s where God’s plan and His hand once again took control of my life. Through Facebook, I had started a prayer chain for a wonderful boy, Odin. I was blessed to meet Debbi Willis, breeder of working German Shepherds, Stone Creek Shepherds. We started talking due to Bella but had met because of Odin. Shortly down the road Peter got a beautiful, black German Shepherd, Diamond. Within 2 weeks God had dealt the hand and Debbie brought one of her service dogs, Zeus, to me for a new home. What a beautiful, big boy he is! Zeus and Bella hit it off from the very first day and became buddies. Within another week we realized Bella had given Zeus approval for taking care of me ~ changing of the guards. The next two weeks those two were practically joined at the hip. I felt my world was complete. Diamond was once again in the house with Peter and I had Zeus and Bella. My friends, hold onto those special moments….
A few days later the Chihuahuas also joined the pack inside and everyone was feeling their place out. Wednesday night, I brought Bella out on the porch because she didn’t care to join everyone; instead, she laid on her favorite couch. I was feeling emotional about the reality that one day I would have to put her down. She started licking my tears and gave me more love that night than ever before. I was thanking God for my blessings and my Bella girl. As I spoke with Debbi I told her it would be easier for me if something happened to her than to hope I know when the right time is. God heard me.
Thursday morning Peter woke me up telling me we had to take Bella and put her down. To not go into the details I can tell you God did hear my words; something happened and I took her to the vet. She remained stoic and leaning on me. As she was crossing over the Rainbow Bridge, I was there telling her it was ok ~ she could go ~ Zeus will take care of me ~ I love you ~ it’s ok…
We took her home and the dogs watched intensely from the porch as Peter buried her. For two days we have all mourned, especially me and Zeus. I looked at Peter that night and told him “Babe, we need to learn from this. We’re always so busy taking care of things we keep putting “us” off. It could’ve been one of us.”
The more I thought about Bella the more I realized that she taught me some very important life lessons:
- Always smile through the pain.
- No matter how silly it looks, always have a smile and a little dance when your man comes home.
- Kiss away the tears of your loved ones.
- Always be friendly and protective of all.
- Live in the moment. Love in the moment. Let your life make a difference.
This is DeVaughn ~ bringing it home.
My birthday was in April and it was the hardest day I have experienced in a long time. It was the first time I didn’t have Mama to call and sing me Happy Birthday. Sound silly to you? Well, in a way it did to the logical side of me as well. At the same time, I found myself crying on and off all day for it really made me miss Mama even more. I also realized how much it meant to me that she did that every year. Just a simple phone call and her singing to me. When I was working and she couldn’t reach me she would still sing Happy Birthday on my answering machine at home or voice mail on my cell. Another hard lesson how much the little things in life really do matter and not to take them for granted.
Many times over I have heard girls speak of the expensive gifts their boyfriend / husband got them. When I was asked why I married Peter my answer was, “He brings me coffee in bed.” The days I’m in extreme pain he gets me an ice pack and moves my heat pad to the living room so I can at least lie on the couch and watch TV. He may despise some of the little things he has to do when I’m laid up, but sooner or later he will get to it. So many little things day after day that seem to go unnoticed, and probably do once in a while; it’s these little things we need to remember when times get hard.
Recently, everything that could go wrong has. The enemy has been attacking us from every direction from health to finances. It’s time to remember the little things that God has always done for us during these times. For example: the many times He calmed my storms when I have been close to a seizure, the many times He has provided financially at the last minute, the time He sent an officer to help us out of a ditch we slid into on an icy road, and the list goes on and on. Every day God blesses each of our lives but because it’s not a major bush burning experience we tend not to pay attention to the little things He is doing and working in our favor.
I want to take the time to urge you to STOP! Stop worrying and start praying and praising. Take the time to remember when He has been there for you to help you through the times you are going through now. Start living in faith instead of talking about having faith.
This is Devaughn ~ bringing it home.
Not too long ago my husband and I decided it was time for a new bed since we were both getting backaches from the old one. I found a beautiful bed on Craigslist for a decent price and the individual said she would include the mattress which wasn’t that old either. Wow, I thought I struck gold! Needless to say, the mattress wasn’t going to be around long after seeing it. The headboard and footboard though, they were absolutely gorgeous! As we were putting the bed together my husband informed me that the small boards on the side were NOT going to hold the weight. After deliberation we decided to try it out. After it was all put together with the mattress he sat down on it….all was well and looking good. Wait for it….yes, you guessed right. I decided to join him and sat on it and the bed went boom!!! He looked at me and smiled and said “Exactly when are you starting at the gym?” A few slaps later we turned and looked around and the bed was literally falling apart. The sides had come out of their groove and the headboard was leaning in and one of the posts looked as if it was going to fall any moment. We immediately got up and fixed the frame and proceeded to sleep in the living room that night.
The next day we headed out to get a new mattress set. Peter had mentioned building a frame for it to go inside of the bed frame. I then told him we were going to get a metal king size mattress frame meant to hold the mattresses and not take another chance. A few hours later the new mattress set and metal frame was delivered to the house. Peter used some L brackets and screwed the sideboards into the headboard and footboard of the bed for extra security. Once the bed frame was secured we put in the metal frame and mattresses and enjoyed a wonderful night of rest.
It reminded me a lot of our lives and how weak we are without God. Our lives are like the bed frame, looks beautiful other than minor scratches here and there and we think we’re doing well. Add some weight on and we’re still standing; a little more, yes we’re good because we’re still standing what we think as strong. I mean, if we haven’t fallen we must be ok. Then just one more thing and we break and fall to pieces. We look around and somehow our life has fallen apart.
It is at this point that most people realize they can’t do it on their own ~ they need God. That strength that comes with a guarantee like the mattress metal frame. So, we have what is needed to become strong in this whirlwind of life. With each trial we go through that we continue to have faith in Him throughout each storm, it’s another screw tightened in to increase the strength.
If life was as easy as to become saved and live happily ever after we wouldn’t see our need to have faith in Him. Throughout our trials we are blessed to experience His hand in our lives and we realize that alone we aren’t strong at all ~ but with Jesus at our side we have the strength to endure and He will be there for us ~ we just have to ask.
This is DeVaughn ~ bringing it home.
Where do I begin with this one… I was sitting at my computer with my grandchildren in the living room watching TV. I heard my son come in and ask “Where is Mama? Where is Grandma?” I told him I was in the office. He came in and said “Can I have a hug?” in a whispery tone that was hard to understand him and I looked up and saw my son with tears streaming down his face as he was reaching for me. I stood up and held him as he cried telling me he didn’t know if he could take anymore. As a mother my instinct was to hold on and not let go ~ and we didn’t for a brief while. We then stepped out onto the back porch and talked. His heart was breaking due to his separation and upcoming divorce. There is no greater pain than to see your child in pain, no matter how old they are, and yet there’s nothing you can do or say that will make it better.
My son is an Iraq Veteran and I’m proud of him. I am blessed and grateful that he did come home; but, he didn’t come home the same. The issues he had from what he had gone through has taken his life and turned it upside down. He used to be real outgoing and love crowds whereas now, he can’t be in a large crowd without an anxiety attack. As his marriage was falling apart he finally went for some counseling and was diagnosed with PTSD, and praise God they gave him some medication that allows him to stay calmer.
When he came to me the other day it took every ounce of strength I had to hold it together until after he left. I truly broke down myself and thought back to when I had reached that breaking point. On September 7, 2008, I had a seizure and fell down the stairs resulting in a compound and burst fracture of L5. After the results of an MRI telling me I couldn’t have back surgery because it was too dangerous I left a message for Rick Curren, III. I had worked for him in the medical field and knew his knowledge was vast and trusted his advice. What this meant was that I would be off of work for 2 months at least. I remember crying telling Rick that I was scared of losing my house. It was his response that made the impact. Not only did Rick remind me it was just a house and this was my health but the vital part was reciting the 23rd Psalm and going over the meaning of every line in it. I then felt a sense of peace.
About 5 years earlier my mother’s Pastor told us that if you’re ever scared recite the 23rd Psalm 5 times a day. I went home that night and realized I couldn’t remember it after all these years. I took out my Bible and started reading it out loud. The first time was to remind myself of the words, I made it through the second time; but, about halfway through the third time I broke down crying turning to Jesus the way my son turned to me. I must add, I have never been the same since for it was at that very moment I felt His presence and went from being just a believer to having a relationship with Him.
You see, even though my son made it home he still fights battles every day ~ we all do. Whether as a Veteran, survivor of rape and/or abuse, addiction, the list goes on and on. We all are casualties of some kind of war or another. When my son came to me for comfort after all of these years it gave me a glimpse into how Jesus felt when I came home to him that night. No matter what war you are facing ~ Jesus is waiting to give you His sense of peace ~ all you have to do is ask.
This is DeVaughn ~ bringing it home.
Famous quote ~ “To be or not to be..” ~ my friends, that IS the question of the day. Lately I have experienced a lot of tragic circumstances in my life, the main being the passing of my mother. I still tend to pick up the phone to call her. Especially on these days that the walls of life seem to feel as if they’re caving in. Yes, I miss her and especially talking with her and getting advice from her; yet, the answers come to me as if she were on the end of the phone ~ always pointing me in one direction ~ God and His Word.
Yes, to be or not to be, it’s all up to me ~ and you. First, let’s take this in the mild top layer, success and happiness. It is totally up to us as individuals whether or not we will be successful and happy. To rely on someone else for either is a mild form of either ignorance or stupidity. Was that blunt and to the point? Yes. Does that make it not true? No. I have to continuously remind myself when I start feeling bummed that it’s up to me to make myself happy. Yes, there are those “low” days and sometimes phases that no matter how hard we try, for some reason we’re feeling bummed. Answer: pray it away. If not for yourself, pray for someone else. Repeat until all better. LOL. Sounds simple, it is. See, there was a time where I hated being alone and one particular night really stands out. I was dating someone who was agnostic and I didn’t want him to leave because I just felt so alone. His response before leaving, “If what you believe is true, you’re never alone.” Wow!!! That truly hit home! Why? Because it is the truth!!! A lot of times our unhappiness comes from the ‘feeling’ of being alone. Put on some good upbeat music, after praying of course, and start dancing, cleaning, whatever may take your mind off of how you ‘feel’ for it’s just that ~ a feeling; and feelings come and go. Tomorrow’s another day.
As always, everything has it’s layers. Let’s take a look at our Spiritual life. To be or not to be an every day Christian ~ yes, that choice is always up to me, and you. What does that mean? Have mercy people, open up your Bibles and read what that means! Loving and forgiving others, giving to those who are in need, not judging others; and the list goes on. Now, some people think that there’s so much you can’t do if you’re a Christian and living a Christian lifestyle. Again, read the Word ~ if you look closely you’ll find there’s a whole lot more do’s than there aren’t don’ts; so if you spend your time doing the do’s you don’t have time to even think about the don’ts. Ever feel like your life isn’t ‘exciting’? Go ahead, start walking everyday with Jesus and get ready for the ride!
Digging down deep now. Let’s take a look at our home lives as spouses. Our marriage, to be or not to be. “Things just aren’t like they used to be.” Nope, sure not. People grow up, have children, responsibilities and all of a sudden there’s the feeling of “I don’t have a life.” My friends, yes you do. That IS life! Satan continuously attacks in the home putting thoughts of what we’re “doing without” and our fleshly desires and he’s good at it. You have to realize it for what it really is. All of us have a tendency at some point or another of bringing up the past when disagreeing. Stop it! Satan wants you to look at the past so you can’t even believe in a wonderful future that God has in store! We’re human. We have flaws and we make mistakes. In 1 Corinthians 13 there is a verse that specifically states, and I’m paraphrasing, that love does not keep count of wrongs. Look it up! That’s God’s instructions! So, at this point we have a choice when we feel like all hope for our marriage is gone: our way or God’s way. To bring this “Christian” lifestyle and thoughts into our marriage will make your decision whether this marriage is to be or not to be.
Yes, we need to look back once in a while so we don’t continue to make the same mistakes. At the same time, don’t pitch a tent and camp there ~ there’s too much of a future ahead of you and you don’t want to miss out on what God has in store for us! God loves you and forgives you daily, show this love to others, especially within your own family. In every aspect of your life you have a choice. To be or not to be ~ you decide.
This is DeVaughn ~ bringing it home.
On June 7, 2014 I received a call I was not ready for ~ my mother passed away. It wasn’t as if it were a total shock for she was 93 years old and had lived a wonderful life. There just wasn’t a forewarning of her going to the hospital, getting worse ~ nothing. I received a phone call from my sister and she told me she had been at Mama’s all day, my only response during her pause was “OK. What’s up? Is anything wrong?” A silence came over the phone and then I heard those heartbreaking words ~ “Mama’s gone.” At that point I fell to my knees in tears as my sister spoke to me trying to help me through the phone line. Assuring words we all hear at this time “She’s in a better place” just didn’t matter at the moment. I am so grateful Peter, my husband, was here that day. I don’t think I could have made it without him. I called my son, my Pastor and friend, Bob Stacy and other family and friends so they would know. Within the next week me, Peter and my son, Marcus, made arrangements and travelled to Florida for the funeral only to turn around and come straight home. The two men in my life were there for me when it mattered the most.
I was expecting a funeral that would be about my mother but it wasn’t ~ it was about salvation. You see, my family meant the world to Mama and in her heart, so did their salvation and their walk with God. She truly lived a Christian life by example and anytime my life went astray she would always tell me I needed to get back into Church, have a long talk with God and get my life straight; not necessarily in that order either!
About a month and a half prior a girl came to my house and while we were talking she opened up to me all of her problems and issues in her life. My response was “So, how is your spiritual life?” This question was asked by Bob Stacy during our marital counseling and I never quite understood it until these last few months. I find myself asking people this question to help guide them back to God and His Word for answers and guidance.
I’m sure by now you are wondering what this has to do with my mother passing away. Nothing. But they do intertwine. I wasn’t prepared for the phone call even though I lived with Mama for a couple years and saw her health decline. Yes, it did help in the grieving for over those two years I periodically broke down as I saw that I was losing my mother. Here’s the question(s): Where are you? Are you prepared to meet Jesus? How’s your spiritual life these days? No, it doesn’t matter what church you were brought up in or belong to ~ how’s YOUR spiritual life? Are you talking with God? Are you in His Word? Are you seeking His guidance?
In closing I would like to remind everyone to take the time and look closely at your spiritual walk with an honest eye. Just as I was not prepared for the phone call, are you prepared for the Angels to blow their horns? If today was the day you would meet Jesus face to face ~ are you ready? Don’t just assume you are, make sure you are ~ know where you are.
This is DeVaughn ~ bringing it home.